How to liven up your wedding

I have been invited to a wedding on sunday, and I'm trying to think up excuses to not go.  On the one hand, I'm not especially close to the people getting married and I'm not sure why I've been invited to attend at all.  But mostly I don't want to go because I don't believe in marriage at all.  I think it's an outdated, oppressive, superstitious institution based on antiquated patriarchal social norms.  Also I think it's a black emotional abyss that nine times out of ten leads to A) Divorce or B) A state of livable hatred(that'd be my parents).  I realize some people make it work, and my hats off to them.  But I think they are a very small minority.

That said, I got to thinking about something else I dislike about marriage: the ceremony itself.  I mean, it's just so damn boring, you know?  So, without further ado, here are some suggestions of mine to make the commencement of your life's worst decision at least entertaining for your guests.

1.  The Giving Away: It's that part at the beginning where the bride's father walks her down the aisle and "gives her away" to be married to the groom.  This part kind of pisses me off because it carries with it the implication of the bride is a piece of property that was her dad's to give to someone.  However, if this is going to be in the ceremony, let's make it interesting.  You know how stereotypically, the bride's father never really likes the guy marrying his daughter?  Well, if that's true, then presumably he's not thrilled about the whole thing.  He probably resents that the groom is stealing his little girl.  Now let me ask you something; when someone tries to steal something from you, do you just let them?  The answer: The groom should have to fight the father of the bride for his daughter.  That's right, the groom and the father of the bride have a no-holds-barred brawl right there in the church in front of everybody at the start of the ceremony.  I like this one a lot because it calls to mind an image of my maternal grandfather beating the shit out of my dad, which would have been hilarious.

2.  The Vows:  There might not be a part of the contemporary wedding ceremony that's as sickening as the vows.  I got to respect religious traditions that don't let couples write their own vows, because at least that spares the rest of us having to listen to the kind of greeting card bullshit the couple came up with and having to suppress the urge to vomit.  It kind of illustrates one of the things I dislike about marriage and weddings, namely the way they set up a flowery facade around what basically amounts to a permanent sex contract(play semantics all you want, that is in essence what marriage is).
The Answer:  Don't dress it up at all.  You're basically entering into an agreement to be this person's sexual partner in a public ceremony, so let your vows reflect that.  Describe in graphic detail in front of the entire church exactly how much you vow to satisfy eachother in bed, in as lurid terms as possible.  What, you're ashamed of it?  I thought you loved eachother.  Your love is a dirty secret that you have to never speak of?  Tsk tsk.  You made us all show up to this stupid ceremony, at least be up front about what it's really about.
Also, marriage is a legal contract, and no contract is complete without consequences of violating it.  So the bride's vows should include something along the lines of "If you ever cheat on me I swear I'll chop it off while you sleep."

3.  The Ring.  Actually, wedding rings are one of the more oddly practical parts of the traditional wedding ceremony.  It serves the purpose of communicating to people that a person is officially spoken for, which is handy.  But the custom as is has kind of stopped serving it's purpose.  If someone wants to hit clubs for some extramarital action, all they have to do is slip off the ring.  And beside, a lot of single people wear rings that aren't immdeiately distinguishable from wedding rings, so it doesn't really perform its intended purpose anymore.
The Answer:  Brand a damn symbol on their forehead.  Literally, like with a branding iron and everything.  Now that's a sign of a lifelong commitment.  And lik your fidelity is supposed to be, it's unremovable.  Also, the pain will represent your willingness for self-sacrifice for the good of the marriage.

Now, I don't plan on ever getting married, so I sadly won't be able to try any of these myself.  But I encourage you to on your ill advised special day.  If you do, by all means email me with an invite.  If I am at all within reasonable geographic distance I will totally come.