Hey kids, you know what time it is?  That's right, it's your favorite time of the evening.  It's time for "Miss Rookwood Looks at the News." (cue disgustingly cheery theme music).

According to recent data, it looks like a lot more soldiers in Afghanistan are doing heroin than used to.  As your parents might have told you kids, heroin is the drug that all the really cool celebrities get addicted to, as opposed to that sissy marijuana, the drug of posers.
Apparently the fact that soldiers in Afghanistan are shooting up heroin is surprising enough to warrant news.  Hmm, lets see, taken away from their families, paid slightly better than retail clerks to die for a cause that only appears to matter to some fat old men in Washington, and they're in a country famous as a hub for the international heroin trade, wow, I would have never guessed that soldiers would have started using heroin, yeah, I really couldn't have seen that one coming.

Protesters are demanding the cancellation of a huge car race in the troubled nation of Bahrain.  This is truly earth shattering news, in that it has succeeded in performing the near impossible feat of making someone other than trashy rednecks care about a car race in any way.  Also, if there are any nascar fans reading this(don't be silly, nascar fans can't read), you know what's hilarious?  Dale Earnhardt's death!  Ha ha ha, I can't stop laughing thinking about Earnhardt in hell!  Ha ha ha.

In other news, Sara Palin was quoted as, wait, what the hell?  Whoa, back up, it's April of 2012, and the main page of CNN's website links to something that mentions Sara Palin at all?  She's still in the news?  I didn't know she was still alive.

The Marine Corps has initiated a new program to allow women into certain training programs previously only open to males.  One expert was baffled at this decision, and was quoted as saying, "Really?  I honestly thought that only men were stupid enough to want to join the marines."  The unnamed expert also expressed doubt as to how well this new plan will work, pointing out that it has always been a central requirement for success in the marines that members have extreme insecurity about their penises, so it seemed impossible for women to be further integrated into the corps, and a miracle that they could get in at all.

That's it for now, kids, go to CNN.com to see the full stories and plenty more that will leave  you with zero faith in humanity.  And remember, it's an election year this year, so we'll have plenty of hilarious shenanigans to come!