How to liven up your wedding

I have been invited to a wedding on sunday, and I'm trying to think up excuses to not go.  On the one hand, I'm not especially close to the people getting married and I'm not sure why I've been invited to attend at all.  But mostly I don't want to go because I don't believe in marriage at all.  I think it's an outdated, oppressive, superstitious institution based on antiquated patriarchal social norms.  Also I think it's a black emotional abyss that nine times out of ten leads to A) Divorce or B) A state of livable hatred(that'd be my parents).  I realize some people make it work, and my hats off to them.  But I think they are a very small minority.

That said, I got to thinking about something else I dislike about marriage: the ceremony itself.  I mean, it's just so damn boring, you know?  So, without further ado, here are some suggestions of mine to make the commencement of your life's worst decision at least entertaining for your guests.

1.  The Giving Away: It's that part at the beginning where the bride's father walks her down the aisle and "gives her away" to be married to the groom.  This part kind of pisses me off because it carries with it the implication of the bride is a piece of property that was her dad's to give to someone.  However, if this is going to be in the ceremony, let's make it interesting.  You know how stereotypically, the bride's father never really likes the guy marrying his daughter?  Well, if that's true, then presumably he's not thrilled about the whole thing.  He probably resents that the groom is stealing his little girl.  Now let me ask you something; when someone tries to steal something from you, do you just let them?  The answer: The groom should have to fight the father of the bride for his daughter.  That's right, the groom and the father of the bride have a no-holds-barred brawl right there in the church in front of everybody at the start of the ceremony.  I like this one a lot because it calls to mind an image of my maternal grandfather beating the shit out of my dad, which would have been hilarious.

2.  The Vows:  There might not be a part of the contemporary wedding ceremony that's as sickening as the vows.  I got to respect religious traditions that don't let couples write their own vows, because at least that spares the rest of us having to listen to the kind of greeting card bullshit the couple came up with and having to suppress the urge to vomit.  It kind of illustrates one of the things I dislike about marriage and weddings, namely the way they set up a flowery facade around what basically amounts to a permanent sex contract(play semantics all you want, that is in essence what marriage is).
The Answer:  Don't dress it up at all.  You're basically entering into an agreement to be this person's sexual partner in a public ceremony, so let your vows reflect that.  Describe in graphic detail in front of the entire church exactly how much you vow to satisfy eachother in bed, in as lurid terms as possible.  What, you're ashamed of it?  I thought you loved eachother.  Your love is a dirty secret that you have to never speak of?  Tsk tsk.  You made us all show up to this stupid ceremony, at least be up front about what it's really about.
Also, marriage is a legal contract, and no contract is complete without consequences of violating it.  So the bride's vows should include something along the lines of "If you ever cheat on me I swear I'll chop it off while you sleep."

3.  The Ring.  Actually, wedding rings are one of the more oddly practical parts of the traditional wedding ceremony.  It serves the purpose of communicating to people that a person is officially spoken for, which is handy.  But the custom as is has kind of stopped serving it's purpose.  If someone wants to hit clubs for some extramarital action, all they have to do is slip off the ring.  And beside, a lot of single people wear rings that aren't immdeiately distinguishable from wedding rings, so it doesn't really perform its intended purpose anymore.
The Answer:  Brand a damn symbol on their forehead.  Literally, like with a branding iron and everything.  Now that's a sign of a lifelong commitment.  And lik your fidelity is supposed to be, it's unremovable.  Also, the pain will represent your willingness for self-sacrifice for the good of the marriage.

Now, I don't plan on ever getting married, so I sadly won't be able to try any of these myself.  But I encourage you to on your ill advised special day.  If you do, by all means email me with an invite.  If I am at all within reasonable geographic distance I will totally come.

Better ways to decide an election.

Face it, the U.S. political system is broken.  We haven't had a good president in forever, and it's always the same old stream of shit no matter which party is in power.  They say insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  Well, clearly if we want a different result, we have to do something different, so I say we scrap the election system that has failed us and look for another way to decide who gets to kick it in the white house for the next four years.  Here are some ideas:

1)Judo Fight with Vladimir Putin:  For those of you that don't know, Russian Boss man Vladimir Putin(who, like most Russian things, is infinitely badass) is a judo expert.  I propose that Obama and Romney should both be put in a one on one Judo match with Putin.  Obviously neither one will win, but the big job goes to whoever gets their ass kicked the least.

Probable winner: Hard to say, they'd both get banged up pretty bad.  This one is kind of on Putin, since he would have the option of going easy on which ever one he wanted to be in charge of America.

2) Staring Contest.  Self-explanatory.  Obama and Romney have a staring contest.  Brilliant in its simplicity.

Probable winner: Romney.  Everyone knows mormons don't blink.

3)  Hunger Games:  Obama and Romney are turned loose in a stretch of forest, only one can come out alive.  Not only is this one far more entertaining than the traditional election, but in it's way its actually a better judge of real worthiness as a leader.  With this one, we KNOW that the successful candidate has resourcefulness, determination, and intelligence.  Really all an election proves is who has the best PR people.

Probably Winner:  Also difficult to call.  Since both are spoiled little rich kids, there is every chance that they'd both end up curling up in the fetal position and crying until we called it a draw.

4) Have No President.  That's right, because we don't need no fucking president.  We're America, dammit, and we're too awesome to have a leader.   Leadership is for weak, incompetent nations that need to be told what to do.  Not us.  We're stronger than leadership, stronger than elections.  Strong enough to break this damn table in half if we've a mind to.  Wanna see?  Maybe in France or whatever they need some pansy-ass president, but American can totally bite a bald eagle's head clean the fuck off and run its own damn life.  Get me?

The Agamemnon at Linn Benton Community College

This is a trailer for a play you absolutely must go see in order to get to heaven/paradise/valhalla/nirvana whatever the good section of the afterlife is for you.  Performances begin tonight at the Russell Tripp Performance Center in Albany Oregon.  It's going to be the most badassely awesome Greek Tragedy ever and will rock your sh*t so hard live owls will fly out of your eyes.  Watch the video, then go see the play.  Link for tickets in below post.

The Agamemnon at LBCC

Behold, the poster for the show I'm in that opens in a week and a half.  Greek Tragedy in a post-apocalyptic setting, compiled of excerpts from Iphiginia in Aulis, Hecuba, The Trojan women, Agamemnon and Electra.  It's going to be totally badass, so if you're anywhere near Albany, Oregon you should definitely go see it when we open on May 10.  Anybody that doesn't go is lousy in bed, is probably a Nazi, and will get one of the shitty tables when they get to hell.  Even the angry face of Zeus in the picture is ordering you to buy tickets Tickets can and info can be had here

This is a f**king jellyfish.  It is the most evil life form in the universe.  If you see one, kill it on sight.  Good luck in doing so, you shall likely need it.

No loving god would create jellyfish.
They say eyes are the windows to the soul.  Jellyfish have no eyes.  This is not because they have no soul, but because their souls are so evil that one glance through a window into them would drive you into the furthest depths of madness for all time.
Jellyfish are not allowed in hell.  That would be too awful for the residents.
Many jellyfish are small and appear harmless.  This is only a ruse to fool you, for all the small Jellyfish take their orders from the larger ones, such as the one above, which is ten feet in diameter.
Jellyfish are damn near impossible to kill.  Only removing them from the water actually works.  On their territory, you are at their mercy, of which they have none.  Science has no word on the effects of crucifixes or holy water when doing battle with jellyfish, so don't bank on it.
Fact: Jellyfish do kill people.

This is a Giant Red Jellyfish.  It lives the deepest down in the ocean and is the most evil of all jellyfish.  It is the ruler of the vast empire of damnation that is the Jellyfish race, psychically transmitting its evil commands to the other jellyfish higher up.  It takes its own orders straight from the old ones, who have sent jellyfish to destroy humanity.  Just look at that bastard, doesn't it just scream "feeds on the souls of the forsaken"?

Remember the story of Pandora's box?  Yep, there were jellyfish in there.

This isn't me just making stuff up, either.  Jellyfish actually are sort of a menace.  They're currently destroying fish harvests in Japan, and are generally a bad, invasive species in any ecosystem they come in contact with.

Oh, and did I mention they actually are immortal?  Well, not all of them.  There's one species called the immortal jellyfish that does this weird thing where when it starts to get old it can somehow revert itself back into baby form, or "polyp" and start its life all over again.  And again.  Forever.  Science has said it is so.  The first ever of these guys from however many millions of years ago is still alive and out in the ocean somewhere.

I'm no scientist, but a combination of immortality and "devouring all our fish supplies" can only be some sort of apocalyptic survival movie waiting to happen(what world would be worth living in without tasty fish).  Unless we act now.  I'm not going to let a bunch of lovecraftian water horrors get in between me and my next plate of delicious tilapia.  And what of all the parts of the world where fish is the main diet staple that people depend upon?  Think of the children there.  Are you saying you want CHILDREN TO STARVE TO DEATH so that these f**kers can be protected?  Our choice is clear: The Jellyfish must be exterminated.

I move that the nations of the world join together against this common aquatic nightmare enemy.  As I said, the only way to kill them is to drag them up out of the water(if you try to kill one in the water, they release millions of offspring before they die, true story)  So, what we'll need is something like a fleet of fishing trollers to net as many of these bastards as possible and yank them out of the water.  It's our only hope.  And when we finally dry out the last of the abyssal terrors and humanity has one, we can come up with some awesome catchphrase for the film's hero played by Gary Oldman(why the hell not?) to say like, "Lookes like Earth will be having peanut butter, hold the jelly" okay so that was terrible, but you get the idea.  Fuck, If you people don't do something, I'll take down the floating doom balloons myself in a stolen legitimately purchased craft.  DEATH TO THE JELLYFISH!!!!!!!!!

Hey kids, you know what time it is?  That's right, it's your favorite time of the evening.  It's time for "Miss Rookwood Looks at the News." (cue disgustingly cheery theme music).

According to recent data, it looks like a lot more soldiers in Afghanistan are doing heroin than used to.  As your parents might have told you kids, heroin is the drug that all the really cool celebrities get addicted to, as opposed to that sissy marijuana, the drug of posers.
Apparently the fact that soldiers in Afghanistan are shooting up heroin is surprising enough to warrant news.  Hmm, lets see, taken away from their families, paid slightly better than retail clerks to die for a cause that only appears to matter to some fat old men in Washington, and they're in a country famous as a hub for the international heroin trade, wow, I would have never guessed that soldiers would have started using heroin, yeah, I really couldn't have seen that one coming.

Protesters are demanding the cancellation of a huge car race in the troubled nation of Bahrain.  This is truly earth shattering news, in that it has succeeded in performing the near impossible feat of making someone other than trashy rednecks care about a car race in any way.  Also, if there are any nascar fans reading this(don't be silly, nascar fans can't read), you know what's hilarious?  Dale Earnhardt's death!  Ha ha ha, I can't stop laughing thinking about Earnhardt in hell!  Ha ha ha.

In other news, Sara Palin was quoted as, wait, what the hell?  Whoa, back up, it's April of 2012, and the main page of CNN's website links to something that mentions Sara Palin at all?  She's still in the news?  I didn't know she was still alive.

The Marine Corps has initiated a new program to allow women into certain training programs previously only open to males.  One expert was baffled at this decision, and was quoted as saying, "Really?  I honestly thought that only men were stupid enough to want to join the marines."  The unnamed expert also expressed doubt as to how well this new plan will work, pointing out that it has always been a central requirement for success in the marines that members have extreme insecurity about their penises, so it seemed impossible for women to be further integrated into the corps, and a miracle that they could get in at all.

That's it for now, kids, go to CNN.com to see the full stories and plenty more that will leave  you with zero faith in humanity.  And remember, it's an election year this year, so we'll have plenty of hilarious shenanigans to come!

At the moment, I'm in rehearsal for my college theater department's production of Agamemmnon(off to rehearsal in just a few, actually).  You ever notice how in most Greek tragedy and mythology, everything seems to exist in a universe where absolutely everyone on earth was both insane and a royal asshole?

Trojan war: My wife cheated on me, I shall kill an entire city!  This makes sense!

King Agamemmnon: I need to win my war.  Rather than spend time planning a strategy, I shall murder my daughter!  That'll be the last thing the enemy will expect.

The Gods: Boy, are we assholes.  Seriously, we need to destroy someone's life before we can feel like, any arousal at all.  We start our day by shitting on blind orphans.

Zeus: I will fuck absolutely anything.  I have my dick in so much stuff that I have to change myself into animals and beams of light to keep it fresh.

Prometheus and Atlas: We're the only sane, morally sound ones here, so naturally we get imprisoned for all eternity.

Odin: Greek gods are posers.

Odysseus:  Oh, yeah, I definitely didn't want to stay on an island as a goddess's sex slave for twenty years.  She, uh, forced me, yeah...

Jesus: Wow, no wonder people flock to me a couple centuries from now.  If this is my competition for worshippers.

This is Richard Wagner.  He is the winner of Classical music.
Wagner wrote most of those immediately recognizable pieces of classical music that you hear in movies all the time but don't know what they're called.
The hat he wears in the picture was magic.  He could pull objects out of it as he needed them, kind of like Mary Poppins' bag.  Wagner was often known to pull swords, flagons of ale, human bones, fish dinners, gold, and live gnomes from his hat absent mindedly while he composed music.
Wagner was once bff's with the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.  They had a fight about something or other and then weren't bff's anymore.  Now Wagner is one of the greatest classical composers, and Nietzsche is quoted out of context by hipsters trying to sound deep.  Clear winner: Wagner.
Wagner's nose was in fact not a nose at all, but the head of a living, lizard-like creature which lived in a hollow cavity in his head.  When Wagner grew angry, he released his nose, which would leap down, run to the person who was angering Wagner, and eat their feet off.  People quickly learned not to anger Wagner.
Wagner wrote that piece of music that plays when a bride walks down the aisle.  Interestingly, in the opera it was used for, Lohengrin, it is actually foreshadowing to some brutal murder.  So yeah, I guess it's a darkly appropriate start to most marriages.
Contrary to popular belief, it was Wagner who invented break dancing.  He invented it on a spur of the moment one day when he was berating some orphans for having the gall to ask him for change.  He proceeded to breakdance better than anyone ever has since for three days straight.  The awesomeness of his break dancing performance accidentally opened up a wormhole and teleported his invention through time and space into the mind of whoever it was you thought invented break dancing.
Wagner did not die, but retreated to live underground.  There he lives to this day, growing angrier and angrier at ever teeny-pop album released.  One day he shall emerge again, and when he does, it is foretold that he will eat Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus alive.  Then he shall break dance.

I recently read an article about how this thing called the Augusta National Golf club is apparently in the news because of their men only membership rule.

Now, let's start with some important background information.  Golf is objectively terrible.  Golf is the worst game in the entire universe.  It is less fun to play than Russian roulette, and much less fun to watch.  Golf is what they make you play in hell.  Golf was invented by a malevolent race of eldritch spirits to destroy the souls of humans and leave them as empty, ambling shells, which is what all golf players are.  The only people who  like golf are dimwitted old men who couldn't get it up to save their lives.

That said, it kind of confuses me that any women even want to be in this club.  It's golf, come on.  Also, think about the kind of people who obviously comprise the membership.  Old, ugly, conservative asswipes in retarded clothes, who are terrified that if they let women into their stupid club they'll get beaten by them, and then said female golfer will go satisfy their wives in bed better then they ever could.  You know, golfers.  Why would you want to be anywhere near such people?

I can't really believe this is news, or that the freaking president made a public statement about it.  Golf should never be the subject of news, ever.  However, I do like to be on the gender equality side, so yeah, Augusta should have to let women in, even if I can't imagine them wanting to be in.

Also, f**k Augusta.  They should be ashamed of themselves that they let this get to the news before they changed it.  How the hell insecure about women do you have to be before you won't even let them play a stupid game on the same stretch of field as you.

All this kind of backs up a belief I have had for years, mentioned above, that all golfers are mindless, zombie-like creatures with no souls.  I hate golf.

The Black Hole

This is a Black Hole.  It is a vortex of abyssal doom floating off in space.  It's hobbies include swallowing whole solar systems into its mighty gaping maw.  Also kayaking.
It is scientifically proven that Black Holes do not give a f**k.
The Black Hole is not amused.  Ever.
The Black Hole does not fear your god.
The Black Hole is indestructible by any of your puny, mortal weapons.  Seriously, not even nukes work on this one.
The Black Hole assures you it has candy, if you come a little closer.
Black Holes do in fact mover around in space, and they are also invisible until they start chowing down on something, so one could be getting ready to gobble our solar system up right now, and we wouldn't even see it coming.
The Black Hole called you gay.  What the hell are you going to do about it?
The Black Hole will suck everything there is into itself and smash it all into a singularity for ever.  Except for bunnies.  The Black Hole kind of likes those little guys.
You know that toy you loved when you were a kid and then one day it went missing and you never saw it again?  Yeah, the Black Hole got it.  Come and get it back if you think you're hard enough.
The Black Hole dislikes being confused with a crappy graphic novel that shares it's name.
Ever wonder what happened to your dreams and ambitions?  The Black Hole took them, and they were delicious.
The Black Hole intimidates sexually insecure men with its thinly veiled symbolism of a terrifying, world-swallowing vagina.
It's believed that at the center of a Black Hole, time stops entirely.  It does that on purpose, so it can feel your despair without end.
All Galaxies, including our own, have a Black Hole at the center that influences the pattern of stars in said galaxy.  Ergo, at the end of the day Black Holes are in charge of everything.
The Black Hole will ignore your pleas for mercy; in fact, anguished, desperate pleading only makes it stronger.
Curiously, when you get sucked into a black hole, you can hear the song "Come on Eileen" playing.  No one knows why.
Contrary to popular belief, stuff in space does make a sound.  You can hear first hand the song that the black hole will sing you as it beckons you in closer here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYiWNLv-Bgg

Fear the Black Hole.

North Korea Totally Super Really For Reals is Serious This Time.

Fort those of you that don't know, North Korea once is once again doing something in a desperate plea for attention to make themselves look very scary and intimidating and not at all flaccid and small a failing state.
A long range rocket is planned for launch in mid April and everyone's very mad and all.

You notice how every so often this happens?  North Korea does some(admittedly rather ridiculous) posturing on the international stage and everyone seems to think it's only a matter of time until they kick off WWIII?  Why is it that after all these years people seem to still not understand how this whole thing always plays out?  Surely you understand what North Korea is doing, right?

They're running an international protection racket.  It's exactly the same strategy as mobsters who ask for money to make sure a business doesn't accidentally get burned down.  You see, military toys are about all North Korea has going for it.  Apart from that, they're starving to death as a country.  They absolutely need food aid from other countries, or they will simply fall apart.  They don't really have a way of getting that except doing what they're doing, which is scaring everybody into thinking they might go crazy and start bombing people every so often and then getting food aid paid to them in exchange for not attacking anyone.

And you know what?  They won't do it.  A full on war would be bad for everyone, but worst for them.  Because that would put an end to all of the aid they get, except maybe from China.  And even China would probably start backing away from them, like that crazy alcoholic uncle you don't want anyone to know is related to you.

And everyone is just playing into their game, too.  Like a whiny kid who learns after awhile that being enough of a brat can get you whatever you want, North Korea has learned that being the crazy dude everyone is afraid might cut them totally works.

This is one of the reasons men suck at running the world.  I should be in charge of the world; I'd do a much better job.  I'd be Supreme Empress Lucia the Amazing, and I'd force Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump to wear clown suits all day and amuse me in my imperial court.  If they failed to amuse me, they'd get set on fire(because that would amuse me very much).

I'd make Asthon Kutcher an Astronaut, so he could make the first manned expedition into a black hole.
I'd fix healthcare a million times better than Obama could.  I'd fix the shit out of healthcare so hard healthcare wouldn't know what hit it.

Story linked below, on some site I've never heard of called CNN.  I think they sell plush toys or something.
 http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/30/world/asia/japan-north-korea-rocket/index.html?hpt=wo_bn4

This is a Rook.  A Rook is the most badass and hardcore animal there is.  A Rook will totally eat your spouse and burn down your house and drink the sweet nectar of your tears and laugh about it.  A Rook is a kind of crow, but far more awesome.

A Rook can totally take Chuck Norris.
A Rook uses those black eyes to stare into your soul.
A Rook knows how to call the Old Ones into our realm, and he totally just might.
A Rook can fly.  You cannot. Ha Ha.
A Rook can explode Keanu Reeves's head anytime it wants; it just hasn't felt like it yet.
A Rook is much smarter than your honor student kid, and also a better dancer.
A Rook laughs in the face of the Mayan Apocalypse.
A Rook extorts money from Santa Clause, and if Santa knows what's good for him he'll pay up.
A Rook invented Roulette, just for the hell of it.
A Rook has seen the inside of a black hole and lived to tell about it.
A Rook knows what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, but he's not telling you.
A Rook sees your dreams.  And grows stronger from them.
Do not mess with The Mighty Rook.

"We shall meet again in Petersburg, as though there we had buried the sun."  Mandelstam said that.  No idea what he was talking about.  Personally if I was going to bury the sun, I can think of a dozen better places to do it than in Petersburg.  Maybe Las Vegas.  Or you could chop it into pieces and bury each bit of the sun in a different city.  That'd be wild.
Of course, I totally realize that you can't bury the sun on Earth, which is why when I finish my plan to get rid of the sun(didn't say if) I've come up with a much better idea than burying it.  Huck it into a black hole, that'll learn it to give me a sunburn and make my eyes hurt with glare from the snow.  Stupid ball of burning nuclear fire thinks it can push me around; I'll show it.